Mike Carp

I went to church this morning and was surprised to find the Oscar Meyer Wiener Mobile parked in the church parking lot.

I was more alarmed when I noticed a girl parking her car at the same time I pulled in, and she got out of her car and walked straight to the church like there wasn’t a big freakin’ Wiener Mobile right there. While that girl may have been a novelty vehicle snob, at least a few people inside actually had acknowledged the Wiener Mobile’s mysterious presence. Strangely enough, someone asked if I drove it there. Uhh…

At any rate, nobody knew what the deal was. And, technically, since it was parked on private church property, we could have had the Wiener Mobile towed away and impounded. That would have been awesome.

We could have had a race with the Pope Mobile!

Arrrgh. I killed one of my paintings this afternoon. It’s true – Sunshine Ray is DEAD. Some of you may remember the last version of the painting I had up on the old blog. I went into one of my many blog hiatuses after that post, so for about five months visitors had the pleasure of being ogled by Sunshine Ray each time they hit the blog.

Last night I came across the painting in my closet and decided to re-work some of it. I gave the pupils a bit of an upgrade, and then I decided to get some sandpaper and grind down some straight edges on the sloppy border and re-paint it with a crisp white border. To my surprise, it all went pretty well. The only thing left was to try and make the bottom half of the background look a little better. I actually had it to a point where it looked OK and it was pretty much ready to be varnished, but I kept re-working it.

Painting isn’t my forte, and I don’t always have a good idea of how to handle the paint. I was going for an effect, but I couldn’t quite get it to work, so I’d wipe it away and try it again. Anyway, somewhere along the way the sandpaper got involved in the correction process. That’s when the face got sanded. It was fatal.

Well, I can still say I have some digital documentation of S. Ray before it all went horribly wrong.

A BRIGHT FUTURE

I had promising plans for Sunshine Ray. For example, just this morning I had an idea that involved S. Ray being the first in a series of characters who all possess some sort of uncomfortable stare. I would paint and frame a gallery of portraits to hang on my bathroom wall. On the wall opposite of the toilet. At eye level for the individual seated there.

The idea is essentially flawless with the exception that, to my knowledge, I’m the only one who really uses my bathroom. Then the idea suddenly has absolutely no substance whatsoever. Still, just imagine what would happen if a hobo were to break in to my place to “take care of some business” while I’m away at work.

Take that, hobo!

[Refer to the previous post if you need some background. ]

USE #4: Gladiator Armor

Yes, this is ineffective for most forms of combat. But it also uses up six or seven dots, so that’s cool.

Use #5: Over-sized Frisbee Insulator

This here idea came from Cedric. Sarah’s idea is next. (p.s. –  I’m still waiting for Scout to pull her weight on this.)

At work this week, it was announced to all of the employees that the company was being re-branded. There was a lot of build up to this announcement, which basically involved the daily appearance of various pin-on buttons (i.e. “flair”) on our desks. The buttons said stuff like “genuine”, “brainiac”, and (no joke) “into it”. I guess these were all meant to define the attributes the company wants to convey with the new brand. Anyway, they made the announcement and unveiled a new logo for the company and that was that.

However, the next day we all came to our desks only to find something that defied all logic and reason. Every single living, breathing employee had received an over-sized, massive blue dot. It looked like a mouse pad; it was felt on top with a rubber no-slip bottom. But it was HUGE. Some people thought it was supposed to go on top of your desk, while others thought it was supposed to be a rug. However, we all agreed that it was something we couldn’t really use and didn’t really need.

Pretty much everyone tossed their dots on to the floor just to get them out of the way. I used mine as a chair cushion for a while, but after a few minutes that just didn’t seem practical. I feel bad for the custodians that came in that night and had to deal with the things.

By the end of the day, we had all came up with some ideas for different uses for the blue dots. With some scissors, rope, and a little imagination, the dots can be used for just about anything! For example:

USES #1 and #2: Sombrero y Poncho

USE #3: A coaster for your ridiculous coffee mug

I’ll post some more uses over the next few days. Let me know if you have any ideas.

Earlier this month I moved into a new apartment, and I soon found out it had centipedes.

The first time I came across one, I was somewhat alarmed by it. I went online to find out what it was, only to find out they are called House Centipedes. I guess they get their name because, you know, they are commonly found in houses. That made them seem considerably less exotic when I found that out, but I was still interested to learn a few other things about the little freaks. They are supposedly a benefit to any house because they eat spiders, cockroaches, and other pests. Another article said they can live up to six years, but I find that a little hard to believe.

Anyway, I came home Saturday night to find one on the wall next to my bed. I explained to the centipede that his chosen location was “not cool”, and I proceeded to capture him and relocate him to an empty applesauce jar.

DEATH MATCH: Round One

The next day, I decided to take the centipede to my mom and dad’s house to see if I could find some bugs to feed it. My dad found a couple of decent sized ants on the patio, so we tossed them into the jar and waited for the bloodbath to begin. Well, the death match turned out to be anti-climactic as the ants sort of chased the centipede around like they thought they might be able to haul it out of the jar, while the centipede just jumped and ran away whenever they got close. The centipede was worthless.

DEATH MATCH: Round Two

This morning I woke up and started getting ready for work. I checked on the jar, and found the two ants and the centipede just sort of hanging out. I went to turn on the lamp, and found a NEW centipede chilling on the wall. I caught that one and put him in the same jar, and all the bugs inside started freaking out and tried getting away from each other. There’s only about a 5-inch diameter of wiggle room in that jar, so things livened right up.

Then, moments later, I found a spider on the wall. I was excited.

When I tossed the spider in, the centipedes both ran away from the ants and the spider. The ants didn’t hesitate to start dragging the spider away, although who knows where they thought they were going to take it. Then the death match started to get really cool when the ants started pulling the spider in two different directions, and they ripped off the spider’s leg. The spider retaliated by grabbing an ant and biting it’s head. I had to get going, so I told them to “Have fun!” and I left for work.

DEATH MATCH: Conclusion?

I was surprised to come back home and find there were only the two centipedes in the jar. The jar had air holes, but I was pretty sure they were too small for any of the smaller bugs to get through. Did I underestimate the smaller bugs? Or did the centipedes pony up and consume the other bugs whole? I don’t know! All I know is that, in the name of science, I need to understand my abundantly-legged insectoids more in order for me to know exactly what I’m dealing with.

And besides, what could chicks possibly dig more than a cool guy that hangs out with bugs in a jar?

Straight up.